visions of my past and present

it is such a beautiful day out today

2005-10-18T16:59:10Z

fall is here and i am lovin it!

i know what i saw.

2005-10-15T02:28:01Z

i know how i feel.
i know what it means.
i know that it is for me.
i know that i have no control.
i know that it doesn't matter what i do.
it is not up to me.
it has to be in His plan.
it seems like the more i ask for it to go away the more i think about it.
the more i obsess over it.
just friends is so much harder than i ever thought that it could be.
to hang onto every word as if it is the last i will ever hear.
the last noise in the background.
i want that noise in the background.
i want that voice on the other end, always.
but, it doesn't matter what i want.
it matters what He has in store for me.
and it is so terribly hard to let go....
so hard. that i am not.
which probably isn't the best for me, or is it?
i feel like my life is in cruise control, and my hands are not on the wheel.

emery- the ponytail parade

2005-10-13T13:42:27Z

three sleepless nights
this isn't how it's supposed to be
but you're so good at taking your time
to give back to me

I will wait for you forever
if you would just ask me
I thought that I could change you
but you changed me

but it doesn't feel right
holding someone else's hand
together on phone lines
and living at two opposite ends

it scares me to think that you could find takers
other than me and better than me
but your head is elsewhere
and I'm talking enough for both of us
when will you see it's not so easy for me

you careless and whispered
insulting and bruising
and I thought that you said
things were improving
these laces are untied
but my feet are walking away
(I fall from your eyes. Your eyes I trusted. You said forever)

I never thought you could say these words
is this really happening
(don't say that we can still be friends)

erase my name from this page
how can you take all these days
(what is inside me, what have I done)
and throw them away,
(is this the only way that you will notice me)
as I sit here waiting for you
(dead words for closed ears, all this is sung for you)
I stay up nights
(if you are still pretending this is what's right)
until stars leave the sky
(why can you look at me can you only see)
knowing what my dreams can take away
(sides, your side, can take away)

walk away from me
this night is done

i think i am going to do something i have never done

2005-10-10T21:52:14Z

read the bible.

why do i care?

2005-10-10T21:42:40Z

why do i want to hear his voice?
why do i want to talk?
why do i want to know that he hurts too?
why do i want him to feel like shit?
why do i still give a damn about him?

so hears the deal:
about 2 weekends ago he and i broke up, for reasons such as: our faith was not at the same level, our relationship was too sexual, and we disagree fairly often. He told me during our breakup that he still really cared about me and really liked me, and if the world were a different place then we could be together, but it's not. And that following week, allll week, we continued to talk and see each other. Where one night he made it a priority to come out and see me, in which he was very sweet and complimenting me and cuddling with me. I believe two days later I came over and hung out with him and we regressed back to what we didn't want. In the middle of it all i asked him "is this what you really want" he smiled and kissed me and that was it. The next day, he was furious, blamed me for it happening (even though i try in part to stop it). He apologize the next day for blaming it on me. but at the point he said that we should probably not talk or see each other for a while until things calm down. And that he still would do anything for me and really cared about me.

sat night at work i was doing fabulous acting like i was fine. I had done everything to look hot, just to show him I was ok without him. Then about an hour before work was over, i broke down. he tryed to comfort me and i wound up just crying harder. i left a masscara stain on his shirt. he went and got porcia for me.
As ken was leaving he said with tears in his eyes: "I am so sorry for hurting you, for everything". Porcia spent that evening at my house where i found out this bit of vital information, which makes all the more sense now:

Ok, then about 3 nights ago he made out with another girl. Not just anyother girl, but fucking rachel, the girl that one of his best friends really liked. How fucking insenstive to not only me, but his fucking best friend.

I talked to him about it and there wasn't much that he said. to sum it up he said that well technically we had been broken up for 2 weeks, he was very sorry and it was a stupid mistake.
I asked him "what if i had gone out and made out with someone?"
he replied "I would have been very upset and angry"
i replied "then why did you do it to me?" and
he said "I don't know, it was a mistake, i guess that i was trying to get over you>"
I told him "as a friend, who cares a lot about you, this is not what you need to be doing. One of the reasons we broke up was because it was too sexual, and then you go am make out with some chick. You are not going to find what you are looking for. i promise."
In which he said that "during that week that we were broken up, i was trying to be senstive and supporting,... I really like you-- as a friend, and i really care about you-- as a friend. I will always be there for you. If your car breaks down i will be the first person there. If you need a ride to hang out with porcia just give me a call (my best friend and his roommate). I am sorry for not making that clear to you before."
I asked him "so what happend that day (the regression) meant nothing to you?"
he said "i didn't want it to happen."
I said "neither did I"

He was supposed to go out and see his friend's band play at Lillian's, but he was a no show. the guy that really liked that girl that he made out with, was one of the guys in the band and one of his best friends, eric,... It seemed like Eric knew, because when asked of ken's location, he said that he "didn't know and whatever". He was seen walking into his house later that night, sleepy or teary, but he had spent the evening at his grandmothers house, which he frequently does, instead of going out which he had been talking about doing all day to porica.

with all said and done. He has completely fucked with my head. He told me a few times that "you are the first girl i have ever thought about marring. You are the most thoughtful and caring person i have ever met. I have never known someone like you."

And now this. I was verry angry for about 24 hours after i found out. I was at work the same time he was getting ready to go, but for about 15- 20 mins i completely ignored him. He tried to start conversatino with me in which in one sentence i was done and walked away. I helped load something into a van with a co-worker in which i leaned on that co-worker to get out of the van, ken rushed up, grabed onto my arm to help me out of the van, i quickly walked the opposite direction. I did not once look him in the eyes. During the following hours; i was touched by some greater power, or that fact that i had just seen the boondock saints and hadn't ate anything in two days, but either way, i forgave him for hurting me like he has. And i left it as a message.

no call back and all i want to do is talk to him. i am so weak. i am so lost. i feel so fucked over, but at the same time, i think that this is a cry for help from ken. He pushes those that care about him away when they get too close. I don't think that he has really delt with stuff that happend to him in the past. I think that because of that, i feel like i can forgive and help him.

why do i have to want a project. why can't i just let go, and say fuck him. why can't i be strong, and not care? god, why?

breakfast at tiffany's

2005-10-08T04:11:30Z

adury hepburn. i love you.

i couldn't sleep last night, so i watched breakfast at tiffany's again. what a great movie. love it. crashed around 3am. first night i was so tired that i didn't think about stupid crap before i passed out.

hope tonight will have the same effect.

"Time will be the answer to questions in my mind."- Brer

2005-10-07T03:38:34Z

go onto myspace check out Brer. if you like the counting crows,and other old classic alternative style music with folk influence... they are really good.

when i think that i'm ok, i realize that i have to tell myself that i'm ok. and choke back the tears. I don't know what is missing, but it feels like a huge chunk of myself is missing, lost somewhere in the development of me. I don't know if it has yet to be found, or if it has run away, scared off.

I need to feel whole.
I need to feel whole.
I need to feel who e.
I n ed to feel who e.
I n e to feel who e.
I n e to eel wh e
I n o e wh e
I n o e h
I o e
I e
I
I
I
I

i wish i was a bird so i could fly far, far away...

and the start of a new scene...

2005-10-05T20:41:17Z

i can move on now. it is sad that i had to ask for permission to do that... i don't know what my problem is. I just want to be by myself for a while. i need space. to much heart ache in the past year.

i need a vacation from it all, from myself, from thinking about anything besides school.

focus jamie, focus.

another day, another night, another tear...

2005-09-29T14:34:57Z

boys are stupid. enough said.

You're a Crazy Drunk!
As soon as your blood alcohol level raises you're
all over the place! You're the drunk running
through the street naked or trying to engage
everyone in strip Jenga. You like making people
laugh and feeling free of all your
responsibilities.

What Kind of Drunk Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

This is how my IQ test came out for my Theories of criminal behavior class....

2005-09-27T00:45:48Z

CCJ-Theory, your Super IQ score is 117

Your overall intelligence quotient is the result of a scientifically-tested formula based on how many questions you answered correctly. But it's only part of what we learned about you from your answers on the test. We also determined the way you process information.

The way you think about things makes you a Detail Specialist. This means you are a sponge for new information about how things work. You have an innate intelligence that allows you to understand the relationship between objects and physical space in a way that most others cannot understand. In addition, your eye for detail and organized way of thinking allows you to grasp the finer details of any experience. You have a kind of common sense that others lack — and probably don't even have a name for!

Do you think that IQ tests are vaild? Why?

now i know how you felt...

2005-09-26T02:28:45Z

your perfect in every way,... but, i can't be with you because your just not good enough.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for hurting you they way i did.
I still feel terrible about it.

and there she goes, there she goes again.... single.

have you ever been told that someone can't love you if you don't believe the same thing they do?

2005-09-13T02:18:24Z

this is a first for me.

I thought that god was unconditional. Unconditional love.

How come someone can put a condition on love?
esp. if they are "living" for god.

Erosion

2005-08-19T15:57:27Z

"Consider that the earth is a processing plant, a factory. Picture a tumbler used to polish rocks: A rolling drum filled with water and sand.

Consider that your soul is dropped in as an ugly rock,some raw material or a natural resource, crude oil, mineral ore.

And all conflict and pain is just the abrasive that rubs us, polishes our souls, refines us, teaches and finishes us over lifetime after lifetime.

Then consider that you've chosen to jump in, again and again, knowing this suffering is your entire reason for coming to earth." - Chuck Palahniuk

another rainy day in florida

2005-07-12T21:54:57Z

when it rains it pours... today was a disaster... what's new? I am lost then found,... then lost again,... then found... it's like i am playing hide and go seek with my soul. i wonder which one will win?

a weezer song comes to mind...

2005-05-31T04:25:58Z

"i can not satisfy all the needs she has inside, so she starts to wonder,... can you blame her?" -perfect situtation

i finished diary, yet another fucked up book complements of chuck palahnuik. amazing author, i am going to buy his new book, haunted.

i wish i was rich so i could pack up a bag of clothes get in my car and just drive... drive anywhere just to clear the air, clear my head. it seems like my life has been cloudy and hazy lately. but something out there has a plan for me so i guess when the time is right the haze will disolve and clartiy will be revealed...

this is how i feel, no wonder....

2005-05-20T00:40:40Z

You Are 26 Years Old

26

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

don't take this literally...

2005-05-10T03:08:45Z

BRAND NEW LYRICS

"Play Crack The Sky"

We sent out the S.O.S. call.
It was a quarter past four, in the morning
When the storm broke our second anchor line.
Four months at sea. Four months of calm seas only
To be pounded in the shallows off the tip of Montauk Point.

They call them rogues. They travel fast and alone.
One hundred foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong.
What they call love is a risk,
Cause you will always get hit
Out of nowhere by some wave
And end up on your own.

The hole in the hull defied the crew’s attempts,
To bail us out.
And flooded the engines and radio,
And half buried bow.

Your tongue is a rudder.
It steers the whole ship.
Sends your words past your lips
Or keeps them safe behind your teeth.
But the wrong words will strand you.
Come off course while you sleep.
Sweep your boat out to sea
Or dashed to bits on the reef.

The vessel groans
The ocean pressures its frame.
To the port I see the lighthouse
Through the sleet and the rain.
And I wish for one more day to give my
Love and repay debts.
But the morning finds our bodies washed up thirty miles west.

They say that the captain stays fast with the ship,
Through still and storm,
But this ain't the Dakota,
And the water is cold,
We won't have to fight for long.

(This is the end.)
This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear,
(This is the calm.)
Calm me and let me taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath,
(We are the mountains.)
I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea,
(After the storm.)
I spoke the words but never gave a thought of what they all could mean,
(Rest in the sea.)
I know that this is what you want,
A funeral keeps both of us apart.
(Washed up on the beach.)
You know that you are not alone
I need you like water in my lungs.
(This is the end.)

my cell has been off for days...

2005-05-10T02:42:57Z

the past few days have been without any connection to electronics besides a tv... at first it was a little scary... but after the second day it was actually quite liberating... now i decided that i should reconnect just to check that everything still exsists, it has been 4 days,... to not have to check my phone every couple hours, no messages, no im's, no chit chat, no long awkward conversations that I do not want to have anytime soon... I wish that I could just drive some where and relax, escape all the pressures and responsibilities,... i just don't want to be held accountable for my actions. I don't feel like I have to be. It is my choice... for once I feel like I am living life for me again. I don't feel dependent or weak or flailing... I am my own person, my own entity,... I am Jamie. No other title neccassary.

is there even a thing called love? unsatisfied

2005-05-03T05:27:28Z

" I thought we were a real love relationship. I did. I was very invested in love, but it was just this long long sex thing that could end at any moment because after all, it's just about getting off. Almost all the time, you tell yourself you're loving somebody when you're just using them. This only looks like love."- chuck palahniuk

as you lay sleeping next to me... i see how much sleep you are losing over this.

why do I have to study when all i want to do is...... mmmm..

2005-05-03T02:18:57Z

school is almost over and i have never seen this many people in the library on a monday night before. they are procrastinators just like I.

blah

you make me sooo happy...

2005-05-01T19:52:50Z

i am tired but happy. tonight is my last night at applebees. I start at the red rose next weekend. at least i still have a job with applebees if i ever need one... smiling...

memories keep me humble

seagull tatoo...

2005-03-31T20:07:32Z

one down, two to go...

2005-03-29T23:37:08Z

made up my spanish exam today. i am pretty sure I got an A on it.

I deceided something today. that i am going to go out of my way to be the person that i want to be. not in that corny "be all you can be" kinda way. but in a sense that i get pissed at myself for things I do and never change the fact that I do them. Noooo more. I will make not critize myself and I will make friends. damn it. if it kills me.

fuck me.

i'm a screw up...

2005-03-28T22:18:09Z

trying to reach self actualization never seemed this hard in the textbooks.

Me like this quiz. ZOOOMMMbiieSS!! hahaha

2005-03-24T01:44:23Z

Armed and Dangerous
Congratulations! You scored 86%!

You made it out, alive and well supplied. You probably even kept most of your party alive too. You know what to look for, what to take, and when to just run. You even feel a strange inkling to go back. If you did, you'd probably do just fine.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on survivalpoints

Link: The Zombie Scenario Survivor Test written by ci8db4uok on Ok Cupid